Twenty Pounds of Butter Barbie

When I graduated from The School of the Art Institute 5 years ago, I had hopes and dreams of becoming a gallery artist: I wanted shows and installations, schmoozing over cocktails. Black-clad audiences were going to pay big bucks for anything I laid a finger on, and my name would grace the cover of Art in America, and eventually Vogue.

Well, things didn’t really turn out the way that I had planned, but I am not complaining. Instead of galleries, I have a marketplace. Instead of paintings and installations, I am selling a brand. And instead of working in oils, I work with people and… er… hula hoops. Not exactly what was envisioned, but I have been in Vogue none the less, so THERE.

There is still an artist who lives in me- although I work in business, bringing creativity and fearlessness to an otherwise long-shot market, I still like to create art whenever possible. Sometimes this means animal pancakes (there is a good waste for a $100K education), and sometimes I find absolutely priceless opportunities, like this one:

What you are viewing is “Twenty Pounds of Butter Barbie”. A friend of mine, who will remain nameless (MELISSA), went off the deep edge the other day, claiming that her weight loss regime was making her sick. No, really- seriously ill- she had decided that she was allergic to soy (main ingredient in protein shakes); had an annurism (no good explanation, but definitely diet-related); was vomiting from a “lack of carbs”; and even went as far as to mention Crone’s disease (what the he$%? is that?). And don’t forget stomach cancer.

All this, never mind the fact that she has LOST 20+ pounds with the Hoop It Off program.(Which, by the way, is increasing in price April 1st) So, what happens when someone who lives around the corner from HoopMamma falls off the turnip truck calling “WOLF, WOLF!!”? 

Enter – Twenty Pounds of Butter Barbie.

When I begin to feel skinny; like I don’t need to lose any more weight, really…. like I have dieted for “SO long”, and I “deserve a break” (or at least a few cocktails)… I often fall on the compliments that I have been paid as leverage.

I mean, if people keep telling me how great I look, then I MUST look great, and therefore don’t need to really continue dieting, right? People wouldn’t lie to me, and even if one did, how could you explain the many, many compliments I have been paid in the past few months?

(I know, I am good, huh?)

The fact is, I am really too good for my own good. I am SO smart (I would bet you are, too), that I can enroll myself and convince myself that I am totally at my goal weight (just big boned); that bleu cheese is so low in carbs that it counts as a condiment, and that crackers made mostly of nuts don’t count like a regular cracker. Or if I really tried, I bet I could convince myself that all this dieting is not good for me. Melissa, however, takes the cake on this one… Crone’s disease? Really? NICE.

She deserves and award. And so I built a shrine to her, including a visual representation of what she has lost so far (did you know that 20 pounds of butter** is takes up the same mass as 20 pounds of fat on our a$$e$? HoopMamma is filled with all sorts of wonderful, almost useless information!!) I included Bikini Barbie (complete with pink cell phone and tote) as a sort of visual representation for what can be, as soon as she decides to GET OFF the twenty + pounds she has yet to lose. 

Cause lest we forget- HoopMamma is skinni”er”- but still FAT. And don’t you start with the whole “No- you’re not FAT- you’re just a little PLUMP”- thing, okay? I think I have heard enough of that for one lifetime. The niceties are actually what is making me ill (as opposed to CRONE’S disease).

See, I found myself saying,”I am so stoked- I am no longer ‘obese’! Technically now I am just overweight! Hooray! Cocktail, anyone?”- and it scared the living Sh!!$ out of me. I am not PLUMP… I am FAT. Need a visual on this one?

Plump:Kelly Clarkson NOW:

FAT: Kelly Clarkson BEFORE American Idol:

FAT: Jennifer Hudson after Idol

PLUMP: Jennifer Hudson after Dream Girls

Plump: Kirstie Ally when she called herself ‘thin’

FAT: Kirstie Ally NOW

NO- plump is NOT where I, HoopMamma will be satisfied- and I am no where near “plump”. I wanna be Bikini Barbie. And when I do, I am gonna build a 200 pound shrine of butter, and sit on it with a pink cell phone (and matching tote). I wanna be Marisa Tomei in the Wrestler, damnit (!) :

So here is to a Rockin’ Summer Body, and nothing to stand in my (your) way! Don’t let ANYONE (even yourself) talk you out of what you (WE) deserve! Or you just may come home to a whole Sh!#loa% of butter and a plastic doll on your doorstep, as a friendly reminder that YOU ARE STILL FAT/PLUMP/NOT AT YOUR GOAL.

THIS IS THE SUMMER. THIS IS THE TIME. JUST DO IT.

With All the Love in my heart,

HoopMamma

(Twittwer Me, Ladies!!)

**I bought the butter, a package of tortellini (easy dinner for the kids while I created the ’shrine’), and the Barbie. You should have seen the look on check-out guy’s face- to which I replied without pause, “I like a lot of butter on my pasta”.

Tagged as: Hoop It Off, melissa, Twenty Pounds of Butter Barbie, weight loss